I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
