just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
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dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?