you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
