im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome