i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
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He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world