You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it's not cheating when I paid for it
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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