i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
