I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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