"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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