my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
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And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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