I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
