I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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