After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
