my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
