How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
