life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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