mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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