I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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