Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
