He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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