Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't deserve a penis
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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