so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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