I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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