is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Let's get the cat blown out
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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