In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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