I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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