im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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