glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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