I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
