Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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