Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
