I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
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Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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