I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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