Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
