i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
