Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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