Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
