either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
home. puking in laundry basket.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
