I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
