Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
