6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
