I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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