I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
