It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
