I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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