Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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