you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm too high and old for this...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down