I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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