I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
