Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
