just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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