she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
