I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
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You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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