Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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