Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This is my gift to your gina
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
