I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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