I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
17 year olds will be the death of me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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